Ava Grace

In memory of my sister, Ava Grace.

My little 18 week old sister, Ava Grace went to be with Jesus up in Heaven on 1-14-14. I am very sad. Every morning before Ava went to heaven, I would kiss my Mommy's belly and talk to her. Now that she is in heaven, I cuddle each morning with Mommy and snuggle Ava's blanket. I miss her and wish she was still in Mommy's tummy.

Thank you to those of you who have brought pretty flowers, yummy food, and given me new toys to play with while Mommy and Daddy cry lots and lots. My mommy's friend, Stefanie Arnold wrote a letter about my Mommy's miscarriage that I want to share. It has really helped my Mommy and Daddy during this sad time...and me too. 

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Loss... 

Today I got a phone call from a good friend of mine, telling me that at her 18 week appointment, she found out she lost her baby.

It is amazing how in just a few seconds and a few words, my heart can feel so incredibly heavy.

There's a short moment of shock and then there's this wave of total sorrow and grief that hits like a huge brick wall came in full force with my body.

I have the immediate need to want to take the hurt away; to make it better, to say a magical word or share a quote that will mend her breaking heart.

Then God reminds me I can't. I shouldn't. Its His job. My job as her friend is to love her. To cry with her, to pray with her and for her. To just say "I'm sorry" and tell her how much I wish so badly it didn't happen.

To remind her of God's promises and to encourage her to cling to them as her mind will fill with enough sadness, self doubt, anxiety and hurt than she could ever imagine. 

There are little glimpses of joy that flood my mind in these moments too. Realizing my babies are meeting someone new and we have one more person in Heaven to look forward to meeting someday. As a parent, one of the most comforting things for me to realize during my miscarriages was that though I didn't get the joy of spending years with my babies here, they got to skip this earthly journey and go straight to be with Jesus. As selfishly as I want t cling to the dream of having them in my arms, I know they're safest and happiest in His.

But oh, how I remember the way this tears at a Mama's soul!

I have to be honest here and say, though I don't want to take away from what my friend is going through, when I walked in the office to tell Jason the news, I hugged him and sobbed and confessed to him that I hate reliving our losses. I hate it.

The moment the thoughts come flooding back, I wish so badly I could wake up from the bad dream and say it never happened. Its amazing to me that 2 years later, the pain can feel so fresh. We busy ourselves and suppress it with the daily grind of life, but those babies never become "old news" or"oh yeah. remember when that happened?" Sometimes I see a pregnant lady I don't even know and some of those feelings and memories come right to the forefront of my mind.

I not only remember the dates we lost our babies, I can tell you what day of the week each one was.

But I'm trying to remind myself to be thankful for the times I remember, because if we didn't have those times, they memories might become very distant. And I always want to remember my babies in special ways, as best as I can. 

 I'm glad God has given us these emotions, as hard as they might be.

I'm glad He gave us the emotion of pure ecstatic joy and the emotion of the deepest sorrow we'll know this side of Heaven.

As I hung up with my friend I found myself hopeful. Hopeful because I am confident the Lord is going to teach her so much through this. I know He is. I know she will grow in His grace and I know He has so much to teach her about who He is, what He has felt as a Father who gave up His only Son, and ways that she will find comfort, hope, peace, joy, contentment and rest in Him like she never has before.

I love that God uses trials do that to us. He purposes for us to cling to Him, not run.

He uses trials to teach us when we are most ready to be taught. When we realize how empty and vulnerable we are, left to ourselves.

In these sad moments, my heart wants Heaven. So I know as much as I hate them, these moments are good for us. We stop and remember this isn't home.

Please pray for my friend when you read this. Please pray for her husband and their son.

Pray for God's loving, tender presence to fill their home as they go through this process of grieving for their baby and mourning its death.

As they find things out like gender and possibly what issues were there, please pray for that to help with closure - even though with miscarriage closure never really seems possible.

Pray for their marriage, as they walk a path they've never been down.

Pray for strength for her husband to come alongside her and help her lean on Jesus.

Pray that he will have friends come alongside him that will encourage him, mourn with him and pray with him.

Husbands grieve in ways we don't give them credit for. A lot of times it makes me sad how they're almost ignored during times like these. They weren't pregnant, that's true. But they were attached to and loving that baby the day they found out their wife was expecting. The baby is half of us and half of our husbands. Its good to remember they deal with all these things too, it just often looks different on them.

Pray that the response from family and friends would be a huge source of encouragement for them. That they will be overwhelmed with God's love and care for them as they see it manifested through others.

Thanks friends.

-Stef